Riddle Me This...

It has been FOREVER since I posted on here and I am mad at myself for not keeping up with this. I am going to be more diligent because I really do enjoy posting and I must admit that I am fascinated with blogs and really love reading others!

So....Riddle Me This.... Do you think people judge people by the friends they keep? Here is the situation that I am in. I have a friend at work, my W.B.F.F. (Work Best Friend Forever) but she is not very liked by people. She speaks her mind too much and sometimes is just plain rude. I love her but sometimes I want to strangle her too. Because we have grown so close though, I deal with her quirks and she deals with mine as well. The question came up though if people trust me...Would they be afraid to tell me something because they know that she and I go to lunch and chat.

I got to thinking about that and was worried if my friendship with her would change my work relationship with others. I would like to think that people would know that I would not betray their confidence and that maintaining professionalism is very important to me..but I still wonder.

I have a similar situation as well though and I do find myself judging. There is a girl that I know who I knew before I worked at my current job and we have hung out in the past. Over the last few years, she has grown closer and closer to my A.E. (Arch Enemy) at work, who I refer to as T.W. (message me if you want to know what that stands for). These two are always on each other's facebook and chatting at work and T.W. asked me about something that I had told my friend that was not something that I wanted shared. That totally changed my whole perspective and I have distanced myself due to that. My friend even at one point asked me what I thought of T.W. and said that T.W. thought that I hated her...I don't hate her! To me, she is a bug that needs to be squashed. I think T.W. is rude and just a plain jerk.

So with all that being said, since I am judging this friend because she is close to T.W., are people judging me with my W.B.F.F.?

Hmmmmmmmmm....

On a side note, Ry doesn't think that "best friends" really exist. He thinks that a best friend is someone that you can say anything to without judgement EVER and that is not possible.

Ed Bousman

This morning around 4:30 a.m. Mr. Ed Bousman passed away. Once I heard the news my heart was saddened...not because I was really close to Ed but because Ed was close to God. It is hard to lose such a great worker who fought so hard for the Lord. The saddest part is that the whole world pauses when a so-called "celebrity" dies, yet today at work, noone around me even knew who Ed was. He brought so many to Christ and worked hard for the Lord and even though he had touched the lives of so many people, so few people know him. He was really a true celebrity. I thought to myself that this is a day of mourning and I felt the lump in my throat swell up as I remembered this man.


II Timothy 4:7-8...I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the face. Finally, there is a laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give to me on that Day, and not to me only but also to all who have loved His appearing.


You will be missed in this world Ed...

The Greatest Man I Have Ever Known...

This is SO hard for me to talk about but I feel like I have to get some thoughts out while these tears are streaming down my cheeks and I am listening to a sad song. I can't talk about this with anyone but I am hoping this can help...


My Papa Joe has been sick since October 23, 2010 and I don't think he is going to ever get better and that puts a lump at the back of my throat that I can't bare to swallow. I keep telling myself that this is just a rough patch and he will bounce back but I see no end in sight....His kidneys are failing and the dialysis that he hates with such passion is not working, his body just can't seem to take it. Today during another dialysis attempt, he passed out and is now in ICU hooked up on all kinds of tubes. His liver is damaged beyond repair and there is nothing that they can do to help that. Then there is his heart...on the inside it has to be the fullest heart of any person that has ever walked the earth, he has so much love in there...more than any person I have ever seen. Love for people who don't even love him. I have never heard him speak a hurtful word about anyone yet people have hurt him so much but none of that matters... That big heart from the outside though is failing. His body is swelling up with water and his heart just can't take all the pressure. I helped him lay down last night and his legs are full of sores and blood blisters. He has bruises and black spots all over his back and arms from medicine that he is taking...

I know that this whole thing, the sickness, being in and out of the hospital is breaking his heart and he can't live with the fact that he can't take care of the love of his life, my Grandma. As I sat holding his hand last night in the hospital he said to me, "Babe, I think I am ready to go home." I know what home he is talking about...I couldn't even respond to him.

I have been working on a poem for him, it is the hardest poem that I have ever had to write and I know that I have to write it. How do you sum up 82 years of the greatest man that you have ever known's life? There are just no words...

I will still pray my hardest that he gets better but I need to prepare myself for the reality that is slapping me in the face. I feel pain, I feel hurt, I feel ache, but I still feel love. I am thankful that I can hold his hand and he knows who I am....he wanted to know all about my new job last night. He of course, said that he knew I would get it. I am thankful that he talks about my boys and all his beautiful great grandchildren...oh how I hope Xan and Jax will always remember him. I am thankful for pictures of him smiling, both the physical photos I have and those that I will forever cherish in my memory. I am SO thankful that his mind is strong and he can still tell me stories, last night it was about his love for cream of wheat. I am thankful that I can still feel his constant prayers for my family and I. I am so thankful...


I love you Papa Joe...

Fat & Happy

I was recently selected to participate in a Wellness Study at work and I am really excited to have the opportunity. In the next few weeks, I will start a 10 week exercise and diet program and will be meeting twice a week with a personal trainer. I am really energized to get healthy for my family and myself.

Today, I had to take some preliminary surveys about my eating habits and I really realized some things about myself. I am Fat & Happy...or defined as a "Happy Eater" according to the survey! I tend to eat when things are going great and skip meals under stressful, hard times. I guess that I have always known that though...When I was in high school, I went through this really weird experience with an ex-boyfriend that we will call Dan (for blogger anonymity purposes). To make a long story short, his crazy new girlfriend, that we will call Lana (again, for blogger anonymity purposes) began stalking me and going TOTALLY PHYSCHO[My friends know what I am talking about]! In one week, while the drama was full force, I lost 13 pounds! Crazy,right!!! Then again, during a very, horrible, stressful time in my life a few years back, I lost 20 pounds in a short amount of time....not a good way to lose weight at all...especially since I was losing my mind in the process too!

So with all of that being said, would I rather be stressed &thin or fat & happy? Well, the answer is NEITHER! I can no longer make excuses for my eating habits, I need to be healthy and happy...and getting healthier will make me happier! Like I said, I am so excited to be in this program...did I mention that it is all FREE?!?!?!?!

I have a treadmill now too....which doesn't look too decorative in my living room but I am determined to make this happen!

P.S.- I got the job!!!! SUPER EXCITED!!!! = )

One Angry Mom...

I had previously posted a facebook conversation that I was upset about but I decided to remove it. I vented on facebook because some jerk had said that stay-at-home moms sacrifice more than working moms. I, of course, disagreed with that but it's not worth my time to argue the point. All I have to say is that I do not want to be judged for being a working mom. I don't judge stay-at-home moms. We do what we need to do and we make the best decisions for our family. For one mom that might be to work. For another that may be staying at home.

...

Don't judge me and I won't judge you!

There will come a day....

There will come a day when my two adorable boys will be too old to want to sleep in mommy & daddy's bed for the night. That will be a very sad day. So for tonight, I will let them sleep in our bed and cherish this moment.

All smiles because they get to watch some t.v. in our bed.

Jax

Xan

Thank you Lord for blessing me with two wonderful and spirited boys who make my life exciting and fun! Help Ry and I to raise them up in Your ways so that they will become great Christian men, loving husbands and passionate fathers.

...


THE MORNING AFTER FACEBOOK POST:
My Dream- I am on a sail boat in the middle of the ocean. It is a very bumpy ride. The wind and waves are hitting my face. ... My Reality- Jax is in bed beside me tossing and turning. The bottom sheet has somehow been totally ripped off the bed. He is pouring water on me from his sippy cup and his feet our in my face. ... Needless to say, I think I need a nap now!

Nicole....please read 3/11/11 if you don't get the job....

There is a job that I want SO, SO bad and I have an interview this Friday at 11 a.m. The hiring manager announced today that he will know who he wants to hire by noon on Friday and they will be in the new position by Monday. I am FrEaKiNg out...and that is putting it lightly. My drama level is at a maximum today and it is growing as the hours pass. In 48 hours, I will know the outcome and I will ever be super excited or very devastated. I worry about the devastation, so if I don't get it, I will need to read this:

1. You still have a good job that you like.
2. Ry, Xan and Jax are going to love you no matter what.
3. Someone was a better fit and you will be able to share all your new ideas with them.
4. Your friends will be disappointed with you.
5. It was not meant to be...you may have hated it.
6. Something new will come along.
7. This is a great time to come with new programs for your own team and be excited with them.
8. You might have hated those new people.
9. Monday will come and you will be so busy that it will fade away.
10. YOU WILL BE FINE!

Did I mention that I am losing it????? This whole thing is making me crazy!!!!


UPDATE- One of the candidates is sick so we won't know until next week....UGH...W-A-I-T-I-N-G!

Happy Birthday to Me!

1. Steve
2. Kellie
3. Deb
4. Jenny
5. Molly
6. Ashlee
7. Katrina
8. Kathy
9. Margaret
10. Jana
11. Kristin
12. Megan
13. Brandy
14. Becky
15. Valerie
16. Kim
17. Bri
18. Andrea
19. Hope
20. Kim
21. Todd
22. Ryan
23. Dawn
24. Gina
25. Lisa
26. Josh
27. Miriam
28. Brandon
29. Kare Bear
30. Patty
31. Laney
32. Mar
33. Jenn
34. Pam
35. Christie
36. Connie
37. Neil
38. Erin
39. Amy
40. Amber
41. Sheila
42. Paul
43. Mary
44. Wendy
45. Crystal
46. Jerry
47. Dorothy
48. Susie
49. Jamie
50. Judy
51. Jenn
52. Jill
53. Faith
54. Ang
55. Angie
56. Shelly
57. D
58. Karen
59. Kalyn
60. Gretchen
61. Carolyn
62. Charity
63. Shurita
64. Melissa
65. Candace
66. Sue
67. Donelle
68. Lin
69. Karen
70. Jodie

71. Ry

I can't explain this but why does a simple facebook post make me feel so good?

I am lame...Ry is sick of hearing about it!

The Perfect Couple's Couple

My friend Lis (that is her code name) was telling me a story about how her and her hubbie invited some of their new friends out for breakfast last Saturday morning. They have been hanging out with this couple for about 6 months on a pretty regular basis but this was the first time they invited them to one of their favorite little breakfast spots. It is a quaint little restaurant in the back of an old antique shop...Lis said it makes you feel like you are walking into someones kitchen circa 1952. The menu is not your average menu either...it only had a handful of items listed but Lis was sure that everyone could find something that they liked. She said when they sat down, she could just tell that the other hubbie was wondering where in the world they were. She said he looked over the menu like he was reading his own obituary...and 20 minutes later he finally decided what he would order. After a few bites of his biscuits and gravy, he loudly told the server that there was no way he could eat it. He said that there was something in the gravy that would make him sick if he took one more bite. The server promptly offered to bring him something new but he said that he needed to see the menu again. After another awkwardly long wait, he decided to get a simple cheese omelet and told the server, "hopefully that can't be messed up too much!" Lis said that she was half-way done with her food before he got his order. What made it really bad though was that he was so mean to the server and Lis was embarrassed at how harshly he spoke to her. She said that it was such a horrible breakfast that she now thinks different of this fun-loving couple that they have hung out with so many times before. I too, have been in a similar situation...NOT FUN!

The point of this post is that I think it is IMPOSSIBLE, yes, I said IMPOSSIBLE to find the perfect couple's couple to hang out with. My husband and I often talk about this and it always seem like you come to a point with that other couple where you have the awkward moment and it sours the friendship somehow. Sometimes it is after date #1, other times it is after date #10...no matter how long it takes though, it always happens!

When I think about all of my friends, I am certain that they have had the same issue. In fact, most of them talk about their couple's couple experiences. Sometimes the kids create the gap, other times it is just a clash of personalities. What really sucks though is when we fall in "like" with one of the spouses but can't stand the other....I have tried to come up with ways to only invite one of them over for dinner but it just never works.

In a perfect world, my husband and I would find a fun, happy couple that loves to hang out and do the things we love to do...dinner, movies, dessert...nothing too fancy! In our most recent conversation about this, he mentioned two new couples for us to date... My worry is that neither of these new couples have kids...which I think makes it hard but we are going to try it out anyways.

Although, a thought did cross my mind that I mentioned to him...What if we are the couple that annoys everyone???  

P.S.- My husband wanted me to post that he just ate animal crackers dipped in peanut butter and it was wonderful.

My Xan

Look at his eyelashes....my sweet Xan.

football

I had a recent conversation with my uncle about all the things that fill our life, ultimately replacing our time with God. I spend so much time on facebook, watching horrible t.v., and just doing stuff that means nothing when I should be focused on my relationship with God.

Tonight is the Super Bowl and millions of people sit down and gather around their t.v. and spend so much raw energy rooting for their team. Some people get so into it that they get upset when their team messes up and are heartbroken if their team loses. I just read an article that more people have heart attacks on Super Bowl night than any other night of the year. REALLY??? It all feels like such a waste...

I have been really struggling with my own personal Christian walk recently. I don't feel connected to God. I am discouraged to say the least. I want to be a good Christian, I really do. I want the same passion that the world places on sports to be my passion for God. It is no one's fault but my own that I feel this way. I I know this is my own struggle and I know it is just a low point but it is scary because I don't know how to get out of the slump...

go Packers!

My Playlist...

Since I was a senior in high school, every happy and messed up phase of my life has a song to go with it. It's not something that I meant to happen, it just has and I wonder if everyone has a similar playlist for their own journey of life...

Here is my playlist:

Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) by Green Day~ On the last day of my senior year I heard this song as I was driving down Bull Rapids Road to my last day of grade school. As much as I hated school, when I look back now I would give anything to go back and walk the halls of HCS. Life was so simple back then and I got to spend time with my friends and be young and stupid and I didn't care what anyone thought.

Bitter Sweet Symphony by The Verve~ I lived a very sheltered life when I was a kid...very sheltered! Some of my close friends tease me to this day and joke that I was part of a cult....church, school, friends, work were all very exclusive and small town U.S.A. When I was 17, I got a job in the "big" city and met one of the coolest people in the world, Todd. He opened my eyes to SO much...some good, lots bad...just SO much. It made me realize many things. First, it made me realize that the sheltered life that I had lived for the first 17 years of my life was not really real, which was shocking at first but much needed. Second, he made me realize that to be a good Christian person didn't mean shutting out the whole world. In a weird way, the bad stuff made me understand why I wanted and needed to be good. I did some really stupid things during that phase of my life but I wouldn't change a thing...I love Todd so much and to this day he is one of my great friends! I was heart-broken though when he announced that he was moving to Texas. On our final night out on the town, we drove down the road on a bitterly cold night with the windows down, the heat blasting and the radio blaring Bitter Sweet Symphony as loud as it could go. It was a very dramatic way to spend our last moments together of our beautiful friendship....tear = (....

Will You Still Love Me by Chicago~ Ry and I's first song...reminds me of the best of times and the worst of times. We always had a love/hate relationship. We were either together as lovers or apart as worst enemies. Our dating experience had its ups & downs, I like to think that is normal. I so desperately wanted him to love me and understand that we made sense for one another. I had loved him since I was in Kindergarten...I know that sounds silly but it was true. He has always and will always be the only one.

I Do (Cherish You) by 98 Degrees~ The song that Ry & I held hands to and looked into one another's eyes on our wedding day. The best day of my life up to that point...still top 5! I know that no one has ever loved anyone more than I loved him that day. I looked into his eyes and saw my whole life and I felt invincible because he loved me back.

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face by Roberta Flack~ I tear up every time I think of this day...the day my heart was born, the birth of my Xander. I didn't really know love until I looked into his eyes and he touched my soul. How can you love someone so much that you just met? We have this connection that I just can't even describe. When I hurt, he hurts. When I laugh, he laughs. Even though he is just a kid, he gets me...weird, I know!  He is my WHOLE world...everything that I do is for him our family and I want him to have such a full and happy life. I know that he will probably drive me crazy when he is a teenager someday but I will still never love anyone more than I love him.

What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong~ The birth of my second son, Jaxson was such a perfect time in my life. I couldn't imagine things being more perfect..having another child to add to our wonderful world. I look back and imagine the four of us, my tiny little family, skipping hand-in-hand through a field of beautiful white flowers. I wish that I could have stopped time in that moment and just stayed there forever...I was at such a peace then.

......................

Little Wonders by Rob Thomas~ A 7:30 a.m. phone call with this song playing in the background, my Grandpa Pops had died. So much regret filled my bones. I would give anything for one more day to tell him how much I really did love him and that I knew that he loved me too. There weren't enough happy memories to lessen my pain. My father said that he had no regrets and I was so jealous but comforted for him.

Slow Fade by Casting Crowns, Broken by Lifehouse & I Grieve by Peter Gabriel~ 7/25/08...The day my heart broke...

By Your Side by Sade~ Hoping the phrase, "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger.", is true. Trying to forgive and find the love that was once there...I grew stronger and stronger, but I was still very scared.

Not Afraid by Eminem~ I know this one is sorta dark but I had to hit bottom to get back up. I am not afraid anymore. Letting go is so hard but it is essential to survive. I can forgive, I wish that I could forget but my hope is that time will heal the wounds. We are in a good place and I will continue to pray that we can move forward and that the fear will never come back. I am a different person now and I am okay with that.

Slipping Through My Fingers by ABBA~ Xan started school...he is not my baby anymore. My mom actually introduced me to this song after we saw Mama Mia. She said it reminded her of me...it is so cheesy but so true. I want him to grow up and have his own life but not too fast...

Everything happens for a reason and I believe that out of devastation, hope can appear. I won't let the bad things define me...This playlist may seem dramatic but it's really not that deep. Just little moments during specific and significant times in my life. Wow, that sounds dramatic too... I am happy and very blessed, blessed that I have my wonderful husband who I love more than ever, two beautiful boys, a good job, a warm home...yes, very blessed.

Thanks for listening....

Bake

Why do people have to die? About five years ago, I started a blog and it was because I needed to express some thoughts about a man that died that meant a great deal to me. Today, I am prompted to do the same. Bake was a one of a kind guy...they don't make him like that anymore. My heart aches for his daughter, wife and son today. I don't understand why people have to die. The time that we spend with our loved ones will never be enough...I realize that and wish that I could spend every waking moment with my family. I know that I can't though due to obligations and life but I am going to make the most of the moments that I do have left. We will miss you Bake....thank you for the stories and never ending supply of rootbeer barrels.