My Playlist...

Since I was a senior in high school, every happy and messed up phase of my life has a song to go with it. It's not something that I meant to happen, it just has and I wonder if everyone has a similar playlist for their own journey of life...

Here is my playlist:

Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) by Green Day~ On the last day of my senior year I heard this song as I was driving down Bull Rapids Road to my last day of grade school. As much as I hated school, when I look back now I would give anything to go back and walk the halls of HCS. Life was so simple back then and I got to spend time with my friends and be young and stupid and I didn't care what anyone thought.

Bitter Sweet Symphony by The Verve~ I lived a very sheltered life when I was a kid...very sheltered! Some of my close friends tease me to this day and joke that I was part of a cult....church, school, friends, work were all very exclusive and small town U.S.A. When I was 17, I got a job in the "big" city and met one of the coolest people in the world, Todd. He opened my eyes to SO much...some good, lots bad...just SO much. It made me realize many things. First, it made me realize that the sheltered life that I had lived for the first 17 years of my life was not really real, which was shocking at first but much needed. Second, he made me realize that to be a good Christian person didn't mean shutting out the whole world. In a weird way, the bad stuff made me understand why I wanted and needed to be good. I did some really stupid things during that phase of my life but I wouldn't change a thing...I love Todd so much and to this day he is one of my great friends! I was heart-broken though when he announced that he was moving to Texas. On our final night out on the town, we drove down the road on a bitterly cold night with the windows down, the heat blasting and the radio blaring Bitter Sweet Symphony as loud as it could go. It was a very dramatic way to spend our last moments together of our beautiful friendship....tear = (....

Will You Still Love Me by Chicago~ Ry and I's first song...reminds me of the best of times and the worst of times. We always had a love/hate relationship. We were either together as lovers or apart as worst enemies. Our dating experience had its ups & downs, I like to think that is normal. I so desperately wanted him to love me and understand that we made sense for one another. I had loved him since I was in Kindergarten...I know that sounds silly but it was true. He has always and will always be the only one.

I Do (Cherish You) by 98 Degrees~ The song that Ry & I held hands to and looked into one another's eyes on our wedding day. The best day of my life up to that point...still top 5! I know that no one has ever loved anyone more than I loved him that day. I looked into his eyes and saw my whole life and I felt invincible because he loved me back.

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face by Roberta Flack~ I tear up every time I think of this day...the day my heart was born, the birth of my Xander. I didn't really know love until I looked into his eyes and he touched my soul. How can you love someone so much that you just met? We have this connection that I just can't even describe. When I hurt, he hurts. When I laugh, he laughs. Even though he is just a kid, he gets me...weird, I know!  He is my WHOLE world...everything that I do is for him our family and I want him to have such a full and happy life. I know that he will probably drive me crazy when he is a teenager someday but I will still never love anyone more than I love him.

What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong~ The birth of my second son, Jaxson was such a perfect time in my life. I couldn't imagine things being more perfect..having another child to add to our wonderful world. I look back and imagine the four of us, my tiny little family, skipping hand-in-hand through a field of beautiful white flowers. I wish that I could have stopped time in that moment and just stayed there forever...I was at such a peace then.

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Little Wonders by Rob Thomas~ A 7:30 a.m. phone call with this song playing in the background, my Grandpa Pops had died. So much regret filled my bones. I would give anything for one more day to tell him how much I really did love him and that I knew that he loved me too. There weren't enough happy memories to lessen my pain. My father said that he had no regrets and I was so jealous but comforted for him.

Slow Fade by Casting Crowns, Broken by Lifehouse & I Grieve by Peter Gabriel~ 7/25/08...The day my heart broke...

By Your Side by Sade~ Hoping the phrase, "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger.", is true. Trying to forgive and find the love that was once there...I grew stronger and stronger, but I was still very scared.

Not Afraid by Eminem~ I know this one is sorta dark but I had to hit bottom to get back up. I am not afraid anymore. Letting go is so hard but it is essential to survive. I can forgive, I wish that I could forget but my hope is that time will heal the wounds. We are in a good place and I will continue to pray that we can move forward and that the fear will never come back. I am a different person now and I am okay with that.

Slipping Through My Fingers by ABBA~ Xan started school...he is not my baby anymore. My mom actually introduced me to this song after we saw Mama Mia. She said it reminded her of me...it is so cheesy but so true. I want him to grow up and have his own life but not too fast...

Everything happens for a reason and I believe that out of devastation, hope can appear. I won't let the bad things define me...This playlist may seem dramatic but it's really not that deep. Just little moments during specific and significant times in my life. Wow, that sounds dramatic too... I am happy and very blessed, blessed that I have my wonderful husband who I love more than ever, two beautiful boys, a good job, a warm home...yes, very blessed.

Thanks for listening....