This is SO hard for me to talk about but I feel like I have to get some thoughts out while these tears are streaming down my cheeks and I am listening to a sad song. I can't talk about this with anyone but I am hoping this can help...
My Papa Joe has been sick since October 23, 2010 and I don't think he is going to ever get better and that puts a lump at the back of my throat that I can't bare to swallow. I keep telling myself that this is just a rough patch and he will bounce back but I see no end in sight....His kidneys are failing and the dialysis that he hates with such passion is not working, his body just can't seem to take it. Today during another dialysis attempt, he passed out and is now in ICU hooked up on all kinds of tubes. His liver is damaged beyond repair and there is nothing that they can do to help that. Then there is his heart...on the inside it has to be the fullest heart of any person that has ever walked the earth, he has so much love in there...more than any person I have ever seen. Love for people who don't even love him. I have never heard him speak a hurtful word about anyone yet people have hurt him so much but none of that matters... That big heart from the outside though is failing. His body is swelling up with water and his heart just can't take all the pressure. I helped him lay down last night and his legs are full of sores and blood blisters. He has bruises and black spots all over his back and arms from medicine that he is taking...
I know that this whole thing, the sickness, being in and out of the hospital is breaking his heart and he can't live with the fact that he can't take care of the love of his life, my Grandma. As I sat holding his hand last night in the hospital he said to me, "Babe, I think I am ready to go home." I know what home he is talking about...I couldn't even respond to him.
I have been working on a poem for him, it is the hardest poem that I have ever had to write and I know that I have to write it. How do you sum up 82 years of the greatest man that you have ever known's life? There are just no words...
I will still pray my hardest that he gets better but I need to prepare myself for the reality that is slapping me in the face. I feel pain, I feel hurt, I feel ache, but I still feel love. I am thankful that I can hold his hand and he knows who I am....he wanted to know all about my new job last night. He of course, said that he knew I would get it. I am thankful that he talks about my boys and all his beautiful great grandchildren...oh how I hope Xan and Jax will always remember him. I am thankful for pictures of him smiling, both the physical photos I have and those that I will forever cherish in my memory. I am SO thankful that his mind is strong and he can still tell me stories, last night it was about his love for cream of wheat. I am thankful that I can still feel his constant prayers for my family and I. I am so thankful...
I love you Papa Joe...
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