The Greatest Man I Have Ever Known...

This is SO hard for me to talk about but I feel like I have to get some thoughts out while these tears are streaming down my cheeks and I am listening to a sad song. I can't talk about this with anyone but I am hoping this can help...


My Papa Joe has been sick since October 23, 2010 and I don't think he is going to ever get better and that puts a lump at the back of my throat that I can't bare to swallow. I keep telling myself that this is just a rough patch and he will bounce back but I see no end in sight....His kidneys are failing and the dialysis that he hates with such passion is not working, his body just can't seem to take it. Today during another dialysis attempt, he passed out and is now in ICU hooked up on all kinds of tubes. His liver is damaged beyond repair and there is nothing that they can do to help that. Then there is his heart...on the inside it has to be the fullest heart of any person that has ever walked the earth, he has so much love in there...more than any person I have ever seen. Love for people who don't even love him. I have never heard him speak a hurtful word about anyone yet people have hurt him so much but none of that matters... That big heart from the outside though is failing. His body is swelling up with water and his heart just can't take all the pressure. I helped him lay down last night and his legs are full of sores and blood blisters. He has bruises and black spots all over his back and arms from medicine that he is taking...

I know that this whole thing, the sickness, being in and out of the hospital is breaking his heart and he can't live with the fact that he can't take care of the love of his life, my Grandma. As I sat holding his hand last night in the hospital he said to me, "Babe, I think I am ready to go home." I know what home he is talking about...I couldn't even respond to him.

I have been working on a poem for him, it is the hardest poem that I have ever had to write and I know that I have to write it. How do you sum up 82 years of the greatest man that you have ever known's life? There are just no words...

I will still pray my hardest that he gets better but I need to prepare myself for the reality that is slapping me in the face. I feel pain, I feel hurt, I feel ache, but I still feel love. I am thankful that I can hold his hand and he knows who I am....he wanted to know all about my new job last night. He of course, said that he knew I would get it. I am thankful that he talks about my boys and all his beautiful great grandchildren...oh how I hope Xan and Jax will always remember him. I am thankful for pictures of him smiling, both the physical photos I have and those that I will forever cherish in my memory. I am SO thankful that his mind is strong and he can still tell me stories, last night it was about his love for cream of wheat. I am thankful that I can still feel his constant prayers for my family and I. I am so thankful...


I love you Papa Joe...

Fat & Happy

I was recently selected to participate in a Wellness Study at work and I am really excited to have the opportunity. In the next few weeks, I will start a 10 week exercise and diet program and will be meeting twice a week with a personal trainer. I am really energized to get healthy for my family and myself.

Today, I had to take some preliminary surveys about my eating habits and I really realized some things about myself. I am Fat & Happy...or defined as a "Happy Eater" according to the survey! I tend to eat when things are going great and skip meals under stressful, hard times. I guess that I have always known that though...When I was in high school, I went through this really weird experience with an ex-boyfriend that we will call Dan (for blogger anonymity purposes). To make a long story short, his crazy new girlfriend, that we will call Lana (again, for blogger anonymity purposes) began stalking me and going TOTALLY PHYSCHO[My friends know what I am talking about]! In one week, while the drama was full force, I lost 13 pounds! Crazy,right!!! Then again, during a very, horrible, stressful time in my life a few years back, I lost 20 pounds in a short amount of time....not a good way to lose weight at all...especially since I was losing my mind in the process too!

So with all of that being said, would I rather be stressed &thin or fat & happy? Well, the answer is NEITHER! I can no longer make excuses for my eating habits, I need to be healthy and happy...and getting healthier will make me happier! Like I said, I am so excited to be in this program...did I mention that it is all FREE?!?!?!?!

I have a treadmill now too....which doesn't look too decorative in my living room but I am determined to make this happen!

P.S.- I got the job!!!! SUPER EXCITED!!!! = )

One Angry Mom...

I had previously posted a facebook conversation that I was upset about but I decided to remove it. I vented on facebook because some jerk had said that stay-at-home moms sacrifice more than working moms. I, of course, disagreed with that but it's not worth my time to argue the point. All I have to say is that I do not want to be judged for being a working mom. I don't judge stay-at-home moms. We do what we need to do and we make the best decisions for our family. For one mom that might be to work. For another that may be staying at home.

...

Don't judge me and I won't judge you!

There will come a day....

There will come a day when my two adorable boys will be too old to want to sleep in mommy & daddy's bed for the night. That will be a very sad day. So for tonight, I will let them sleep in our bed and cherish this moment.

All smiles because they get to watch some t.v. in our bed.

Jax

Xan

Thank you Lord for blessing me with two wonderful and spirited boys who make my life exciting and fun! Help Ry and I to raise them up in Your ways so that they will become great Christian men, loving husbands and passionate fathers.

...


THE MORNING AFTER FACEBOOK POST:
My Dream- I am on a sail boat in the middle of the ocean. It is a very bumpy ride. The wind and waves are hitting my face. ... My Reality- Jax is in bed beside me tossing and turning. The bottom sheet has somehow been totally ripped off the bed. He is pouring water on me from his sippy cup and his feet our in my face. ... Needless to say, I think I need a nap now!

Nicole....please read 3/11/11 if you don't get the job....

There is a job that I want SO, SO bad and I have an interview this Friday at 11 a.m. The hiring manager announced today that he will know who he wants to hire by noon on Friday and they will be in the new position by Monday. I am FrEaKiNg out...and that is putting it lightly. My drama level is at a maximum today and it is growing as the hours pass. In 48 hours, I will know the outcome and I will ever be super excited or very devastated. I worry about the devastation, so if I don't get it, I will need to read this:

1. You still have a good job that you like.
2. Ry, Xan and Jax are going to love you no matter what.
3. Someone was a better fit and you will be able to share all your new ideas with them.
4. Your friends will be disappointed with you.
5. It was not meant to be...you may have hated it.
6. Something new will come along.
7. This is a great time to come with new programs for your own team and be excited with them.
8. You might have hated those new people.
9. Monday will come and you will be so busy that it will fade away.
10. YOU WILL BE FINE!

Did I mention that I am losing it????? This whole thing is making me crazy!!!!


UPDATE- One of the candidates is sick so we won't know until next week....UGH...W-A-I-T-I-N-G!